Categories
Manchester UK

Closet Tory bravely comes out to housemates

The Whip can exclusively report a social earthquake occurred earlier today in Withington, whereby a home county student exposed himself as an actual Conservative.

Dillon Creedon told The Whip, “for too long I have camouflaged my views, ashamed of my belief that we need the poor do the jobs we don’t want to do.”

Creedon told The Whip that he has been in constant fear of marginalisation in the university sphere.

“After several conversations around the dinner table about how great free wifi is going to be, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to come out.

“It’s not that I don’t REALLY appreciate the fact that we should have a more equal society, it’s just that Dad says we would have to sell the house in Verbier and I just couldn’t live with that – isn’t that fair?”

Creedon also informed us that even exposing himself as a Conservative voter to his mother has been hard. “You don’t understand what it’s like coming out to a Mum who supports the Lib Dems! She literally stood for nothing – until I came out as a Tory – now she’s a fucking ideologue.”

“Revealing my true political beliefs has been the hardest thing since accepting I liked one of Labour’s policies in 2017.”

Categories
Manchester

“There’s no fresh pasta?” Owens Park student confused by catered halls

Reports of confusion today emerged as an Owens Park student realised that fresh pasta is not on the catered halls’ menu.

Despite paying an extortionate sum for substandard housing, there is no culinary escape from the breezeblock hell in which History student Tom Banks lives.

The first year told The Whip, “Is there no God? First I have to live here but on top of that, all the pasta is premade! Why can’t they just purchase a pasta extruder?”

“If a catered halls cannot serve fresh pasta, to whom are they really catering? I think it’s a joke that uni expects us to bow down to their school dinner-standard food for £40 a week.”

Our interview with Tom made clear the absolute bewilderment that this has caused and, possibly, drawing attention to this issue ensures fresh pasta hysteria won’t strike again.

Categories
Manchester

New Zealand Wines threatened by potential arrival of new off-licence Tasmanian Tins

New Zealand Wines, a Fallowfield off-licence famed for its impossibly cheap Echo Falls deals, almost definitely counterfeit tobacco and general miscreant air, is under threat from the potential opening of another shop all the way from down under, Tasmanian Tins.

The Whip can report that an undisclosed site in Fallowfield has been purchased by Duty Definitely Paid Holdings, the parent company of Tasmanian Tins. The arrival of the new shop, which promises “wine prices so good they’ll make you sick”, will add pressure to New Zealand Wines in a year that has already seen them raided by armed police.

The proliferation of southern hemisphere-originating offies can be attributed to their exotic aura, or maybe the grapes there are cheaper, reckons Oak House resident and Geography student Martin Clark.

“I think there’s something about the name, ‘New Zealand Wines’, it just sounds so real, so authentic, so Oceanic. No wonder the boys over the Tasman Sea decided they should have a shot at Fallowfield.

“The wine must be so cheap because they import it direct from their vineyards in New Zealand. There’s no other way. Do they even have vineyards in New Zealand?

“The two bottles of Echo Falls for a fiver deal that New Zealand do is so cheap it’s less than the tax they pay on the bottles. I hope the Tasmanian Tins guys do the same. Unless… do you think they don’t pay tax?

“Whatever. I’m an avid Labour supporter, fuck the billionaires and all that, but if tax evasion gets me trollied on a night out for cheap then I’m all for it.”

Categories
Manchester

Fresher takes up smoking in last-ditch attempt for conversation starter

Many first year university students struggle with the aspect of having to introduce oneself to their peers and follow up with an interesting topic of conversation. While a nonchalant ‘hi’ works for some, one University of Manchester fresher decided to acquire a cigarette habit in the hope that his desperate cries of “riz and fizz?” would just once initiate a quality conversation.

The Whip spoke to David Brown outside the library when he approached our reporters asking to spare a paper.

“Oh, thank God you guys are talking to me. Uni really is an insular clique-y hell. I didn’t make any friends in the first few weeks so it seems I’m now damned to a friendless eternity.

“I’ve started smoking 15, maybe 20-a-day, after lectures, in the club smoking area; if smoking is allowed, I’m there.

“I don’t even like cigs. If mum knew I smoked she’d kill me. But it seems the only way anyone will speak to you is if you stoop to their roll-ups-in-the-rain level and force a shivering conversation about the inferiority of menthol filters, whatever they are.

“I’ve amassed so many Rizlas now that I’m not sure what to do with them. I might start a charity for smokers in need, visiting club smoking areas and festivals and dropping them off.

“By the way, have you got a riz and fizz?”

Categories
Manchester UK

Risky gamble pays off: lecturer’s attempted joke leads to genuine laughter

Shocking the entire student population, reports have confirmed that a lecturer’s joke received actual unfeigned laughter in a class on Friday morning. The 9am lecture featured 34 bleary eyed maths students and one aspiring comedian: Professor Ed Campbell. 

“I first got into comedy through open mics and club nights, but I heard that you’re not a real comedian until you’ve landed a joke in the middle of a Geometry lecture.” said Campbell. “They say if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.”

Allegedly, Campbell has been preparing this one joke for years. “It’s been difficult, climbing the ranks of academia to get to the comedic status I have now. About halfway through my master’s project, and 27k into debt, I wondered if what I was doing was really worth it, but I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. It’s all in the name of comedy.”

Unfortunately, Campbells’ department supervisor did not see the funny side of the situation. “When he told me he was writing a new set, this isn’t what I had in mind.”

 

Categories
Manchester

Labour Society campaigning to change name of Ali G to ‘Jezza C’

As political campaigning intensifies ahead of the General Election on the 12th of December, the UoM Labour Society have announced their latest profound contribution to the contest.

Aiming to canvass where it matters and secure the vote of politically active and already-left-wing students, the society explained that they felt they were in need of “a deeply persuasive and politically game-changing move.”

“We really wanted to emphasise the sincerity of the society’s political involvement,” a spokesperson for the group explained to The Whip. “We needed something which would display our utter dedication to the cause.

“With this in mind, we began the heartfelt campaign for Ali G to be renamed ‘Jezza C’.

“We feel Jezza can be an inspiration to us all. To be able to study under a roof named after him would be no less than an honour.

“We hope the students will share our vision and understand the passion behind the decision.

“Once we’ve achieved this, we’ll be looking to have an audio soundtrack playing inside the revolving doors. As you enter library, you’ll be welcomed with ‘OOOOOOH JEREMY CORBYN’.”

Categories
Manchester UK

Freshers ensure they won’t remember, remember the 5th of November with white powder, breezers and shots

First year students across Manchester are making sure the demands of Bonfire Night nursery rhyme ‘Remember, remember the 5th of November’ are avoided by consuming large quantities of white powders, alcopops and shots. 

The Guy Fawkes’ Night poem – ‘Remember, remember the 5th of November; gunpowder, treason and plot’ – is drilled into British children from an early age to provide meaning to the otherwise pyromaniacal annual celebration of setting fire to and/or blowing up a bunch of stuff – but UoM first years, including Maths student Ben Fylde, are intent on forgetting its meaning.

“Bonfire Night is an establishmentarian commemoration designed to suppress and silence those who wish to see reform and revolution,” the Unsworth Park resident told The Whip. “We’re not going to support this Orwellian celebration.”

“Guy Fawkes was an anarchical hero and deserves more than to be immortalized in a childish poem supporting government dominance. So for that reason we’re getting absolutely trollied tonight. Bring on the booze.”

The Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service have warned revellers that alcohol and fireworks do not mix, regardless of your political beliefs.

Categories
Manchester

Cocky student who doesn’t take notes in lecture becomes cocky waiter who doesn’t take down your order

A recent UoM graduate who refused to take notes in lectures has become a conceited waiter at a local restaurant who makes a point of not writing down your order.

History graduate Ryan Williams decided in first year that the conventional wisdom of writing brief notes to refer back to later was far beneath his 58%-averaging intellect, and so in a time-honoured tradition of the pseudo-intellectual toss-pot, ditched the notes in favour of pretending to absorb information on first listen.

On achieving his hard-earned 2:2 degree, Ryan took to the world of work with his sharply-honed skills, pledging to never take down anyone’s order in the chain restaurant in which he now finds himself working for minimum wage.

“I know this is a pretty shit job but it’s just transitional,” the 22-year-old told The Whip. “I know I’m better than this, and I have to prove that fact to everyone I meet by showing my memorisation skills.

“I’ve only got a success rate of about 7 in 10 correct orders, and it’s a miracle I’ve not been fired yet. I almost killed one bloke when I swore he ordered chicken satay but turns out he had a peanut allergy.

“It’s alright though cause I think girls find it hot when I do it and this is definitely something employers will value when I start applying for better jobs.”

 

Categories
Manchester UK

Metal straw user breaks back patting it

The Whip is sad to report that UoM student and metal straw user Teresa Chambers has pat herself on the back with such force that she has critically damaged her spine.

According to her physician, Chambers began putting herself at risk when she started calling herself ‘The new Greta Thunberg’, but the final straw was the metal one that she had recently acquired from the SU’s Zero Waste shop.

News of Chambers’ condition has spread, causing some controversy amongst local business owners. “I personally think she deserved it.” said the owner of Phineas Phelps’ Plastic Straws Emporium, nonchalantly shoving a plastic bag down a turtle’s throat. “It’s about time those hippies suffered instead of me for a change. People often blame me for things, but that’s just an example of a classic straw-man argument.”

Doctors are working hard to repair Chambers’ back, but worry that the recent atrophying of her arms, caused by not lifting drinks to her mouth, will add further complications.

Categories
Manchester

‘Wait, you haven’t found a house yet?!’ and 10 other spooky ways to scare freshers this Halloween

1.
Ask, “Wait, you haven’t found a house yet?!”

Make them think they’ll have to put an ad on Fallowfield Students’ Group and end up living above Cubo with a computer scientist, a horse girl, a psychopath and a Scandinavian Erasmus student who stinks the fridge out with fermented fish.

2. Tell them that the multi-faith chaplaincy is a ‘haunted’ multi-faith chaplaincy

Explain that all recognised religions have a ghostly representative ready for a holy spooking! As an added bonus, you can charge them £5 for guided tours.

3. Carve a pumpkin to resemble the face of Dame Nancy Rothwell

Make sure to really try and reflect her sad, miserable demeanour. If you can find a pumpkin that really doesn’t care about student welfare, then you’ll get the full effect.

4. Tell them that formative essays do count towards your grade

If they doubt it, try explaining, “It’s FORM-ative because it FORMS part of your essay…” – if they doubt you, explain that they wouldn’t know because they’ve not been here that long. You have.

5. Put stuffed roadkill in their freezer

To make it extra spooky, why not try and find some flattened Halloween-themed critters, such as bats?

6. Discreetly rearrange the fence barriers outside Yes in order to redirect the queue to Factory

They’ll see things…terrible, terrible things…

7. Trick-or-treat every flat in Owens Park dressed as £9,250 worth of debt

If you want to scare a Fresher, reminding them of the financial black hole that imminently awaits them is a sure fire way to success. For added accuracy, every time they look away, you have to get bigger.

8. Tell them that the Magic Bus has run out of magic, and that they will now have to pay £2.50 each way for the bus to uni

If there’s one thing freshers hate, it’s getting the bus and seeing everyone they’ve ever met. Couple that with a price increase to the cost of a normal bus in Manchester and you’re really spooking them.

9. Stand outside Stopford Building dressed as the grim reaper

Accompany this with making a gravestone with their name on and planting it on the grass outside the library. If it’s too dark, a burning effigy will do.

10. Log into MyManchester and change their entire timetable to different rooms.

Granted, on the one hand, it’s a bit
complicated. But on the other hand, you’ll feel like a super cool hacker like
the ones on the news. Mutter ‘I’m into the mainframe’ every five seconds for
maximum enjoyment.

Categories
Featured Manchester UK

Fresher accidentally makes enough spaghetti bolognese to feed the 5,000

Theology student Rebecca Cook left her flatmates in shock and awe as she managed to produce 5,000 portions of spaghetti bolognese, using a 7.7 litre stock pot from Argos.

“I was only trying to organise a meal plan for the week, but it turns out I’m the second coming!” she informed The Whip.

“Normally my half-used passatta cartons sit at the back of the fridge until someone kicks up a fuss. I never realised using a full one could feed a crowd of biblical proportions.”

Rebecca’s flatmates are attempting to comprehend the implications of her newfound eminence. Self-proclaimed ‘banter king’, Connor from Wigan, changed her group chat nickname to ‘Messiah’. Connor is currently awaiting recognition as a ground-breaking young comedian.

Neighbour Jodie, from Bath, is reported to have commented, “it makes sense, really. Her and Jesus do both have long brown hair.”

When asked about her next miracle, Rebecca said that three weeks ago she left the dregs of an open echo falls bottle on her kitchen counter, which may or may not have turned into vinegar.

 

Categories
Manchester UK

Library to introduce wellness session on ‘how to blow your fucking nose’

Following increasing demand, the Main Library have today announced that they will be introducing a wellness session on ‘how to fucking blow your nose’.

The decision comes after widespread reports that library-goers are apparently incapable of doing so.

In an inexplicable phenomenon, studiers appear to be on a nose-blowing strike, consistently attempting to sniff snot clumps back up their nose, instead of simply reaching for a tissue.

“It’s surpassed socially acceptable levels of sniffage,” one library attendant informed The Whip. “What we are witnessing now is a gravity-defying snot loaded suction, with devastating aural effects.”

Second year, Johnny Webber told The Whip that studying in the bogey-haven was such a distressing experience, that he has developed PTSD.

“I’ve been seeing a counsellor. Although it’s been kind of helpful, I can still hear the quiet gurgling of retracted snot when I’m trying to go to sleep.

“When I was watching telly I saw an anteater on the wildlife channel and it bought it all back. I nearly threw up.”

Alongside the explanatory session, the library will be handing out compulsory tissues upon entrance.