Student forgets how to wipe own arse after neglecting to buy toilet roll for five months

Reports have come in this morning of Tom Didley, one second year who has completely lost the ability to wipe his own arse after doing a shit. According to Tom, this situation arose after a five-month stint of living without toilet roll in his eight man Fallowfield house.

We caught up with Tom yesterday evening to find out more.

“It’s gotten pretty bad,” the Engineering undergraduate admitted. “It seems I’m stuck in a never-ending cycle of only remembering that we need more toilet roll in the house when I’m literally sat on the loo. And by then it’s much, much too late.

“Necessities such as loo roll, fairy liquid and toothpaste are easy overlooked when you’re so focussed on purchasing the ingredients for MOB Kitchen’s new vegan pad thai on the way back from uni.”

Initially, Tom told us he resourcefully began using the garden hose as an oriental-inspired ‘bum-gun’ in the absence of loo roll. He also mentioned the use of his housemate’s Rajasthani tapestry, a 15-tog duvet and one instance of extra long Rizlas.

“But one day,” he continued, “my mind went blank and that was that. I guess the action of wiping my arse was so far removed from my reality that I just forgot how to do it. Or why it was necessary. Or really what toilet roll even is. It’s an interesting way of life.”

Rumours have been circling that Manchester University are readying themselves to put a DASS scheme (Disabled Arse Sanitation Society) in place to help rehabilitate students for who befall this fate.


Oak House students seeking prison sentences in bid for more homely accommodation

Crime rates in Fallowfield have soared this month, with a rapidly increasing number of students breaking the law in an attempt to be  imprisoned by police. The startling rise in illegal activity is reported to be as a direct result of students believing that living in a cell would be a more comfortable living experience than sharing a flat in Oak House.

The Whip spoke to first year student Tom Cox, to gain an understanding of this new illegal phenomenon.

“I spent a fair bit of time researching living conditions in prisons whilst at the library as a new procrastination technique, and I made some quite groundbreaking discoveries,” Cox stated.

“It turns out that in prison the single beds are both wider and longer, and the walls aren’t painted a hideous lime green. Even the cell numbers on the door are written in a nicer font than the door numbers in Oak House.”

Cox also detailed how he intended on gaining a cell to lodge in, explaining that after significant research into which crimes warrant a mandatory prison sentence, he’s decided that armed robbery is the most practical option.

“Armed robbery seems a pretty safe bet,” he confided. “I was thinking of popping to Withington to do a bit of market research – wandering around with a clipboard and taking notes”.

However, one potential flaw in Cox’s plan, which seemed to be causing him concern, is how challenging it is to actually get the police to make arrests.

“My main worry at this stage is how difficult it is to get the police to take an interest in the crimes being committed. I don’t want to break into a house unless I’m guaranteed to be arrested for aggravated robbery.

“Even if I ring the police to hand myself in, it seems highly unlikely that they’ll actually make an appearance.”

With this in mind, Cox is looking at more serious crimes, which will guarantee him a response from the police.


Brave and adventurous first year on cultural expedition turns right off Oxford Road

Five months into the academic year and with the magic of the Magic Bus all but vanished, an intrepid first year decided to escape the rat race this week by taking a right off Oxford Road.

Defying the mantra of ‘eat, sleep, 142 to uni, repeat’, Johanna Swift made the audacious decision in a bid to immerse herself in Manchester’s rich cultural heritage outside of the residential corridor, finding herself in charming suburbs such as Belle Vue, West Gorton, and Ardwick industrial estate.

To uncover more of the perilous journey, one of our reporters visited the undergraduate’s Park flat to find her flatmates sat cross-legged on the floor, spell-bound as she recounted tales of the unknown.

“The food was amazing. Extravagant cuisines from all over the world were on the shop shelves, I saw people of all different nations, it was just incredible! Anyway, once I left Morrison’s that’s when I really got down and dirty” Johanna giggled.

“I’m from Hertfordshire where we don’t have estates, so this was a brand new experience” She explained. “It’s fascinating to see how northerners really live, who they really are. Even though we have nothing in common, I felt a primitive sense of connection, like I know them and they know me. It really reminded me of this time in Burma on my ga-” At this point, our reporters steered the conversation back to East Manchester: “They live a less sophisticated life over there. Shouting is their preferred way of communicating, and maybe they don’t have toilets because I saw a lot of people pissing in the street.”

Before the interview ended, Ms. Swift confirmed that her journeying days are only just beginning:

“Some of my travelling idols are Amelia Earhart, Christopher McCandless, and Dora the Explorer. Between them they’ve inspired me to tackle my next huge navigational feat: getting that new 150 bus to the Trafford Centre.”


Student accidentally freezes her eggs in bills-not-included house

Scientists were gobsmacked earlier this week by second year Emily Smith, whose Fallowfield house was so cold she inadvertently underwent the medical procedure oocyte cryopreservation. Plummeting temperatures combined with her household’s reluctance to turn on the heating are believed to have led to this groundbreaking scientific incident. Interviewed at her home, Biology student Emily stated through chattering teeth that the freezing of her eggs is probably the “worthiest contribution” she will ever make to research in her academic field. She went on to add that “it’s sort of funny,” that despite not managing to attend a single 9am, she has single-handedly facilitated a breakthrough in biological discoveries. The second year did admit that it was “really, really cold”, and “quite unpleasant” living in a house where touching the boiler is strictly forbidden. In a bid to save £1.36 a month, the group had gone as far as to forcibly remove the ‘on’ button, to prevent any members of the house making rash decisions in times of desperation. It is now predicted that the current medical procedure for freezing eggs – which can cost up to £5,000 – will be scrapped nationwide in favour for making the patient spend the month of January in an 8-man student house in Manchester, Leeds or Newcastle. The results, as the medical community have learnt this week, are likely to be the same. Emily has yet to comment on any future plans for her now immortal offspring.

Font reopens after installing new escape exit for terrible first dates

It was a sad day for students when The Font announced its closure late last year. The affordable cocktail bar had long been the favoured location for Fallowfield’s first dates.

Renowned for its loud music (great for forcing you to sit uncomfortably close), decor (to lazily point out when conversation ran dry) and an ironically religious name, The Font had it all.

Luckily management at the new bar, set to open within a few weeks, plan to pick up where the old faithful left off: targeting singletons.

Aiming to aid those first dates which turn from tiring to somehow profoundly awkward, they have installed an escape route in the back for those who risk dating unconfirmed dicks, oddballs and losers.

Whether your date is talking about things they liked before they were popular, has a predisposition to misread civility as flirtatiousness or an unexplained fascination with themselves, fear not. No longer will you have to scrape the bottom of the barrel for transparent excuses.

No more, “This was fun, but I need to get back back to my revision” from the boy who hasn’t opened a book all year, or “Oh my god, I’m sorry, but my housemate is having a mare this evening, I need to go back and check they’re alright” from the girl who lives alone.

Instead, head upstairs and check behind the poster of Kurt Cobain by the toilets – if it was good enough for Andy Dufresne in Shawshank, it’ll surely be the same here. Bingo! Crisis and saddening interaction averted!

Just remember to bring your swimming gear – the ¼ mile crawl brings you out on the banks of Platt Field’s pond.


Student evicted for subletting after mouldy pan spawns living, breathing organism

A third year student has been evicted from their shared nine bed house, after a tenth life form was inadvertently created, breaching the terms of contract.

Joe Foster was found guilty of subletting, after a mouldy growth which had been festering in a saucepan was left for such an extensive period of time that it became scientifically classified as an organism – and therefore a tenant – in its own right.

Speaking to The Whip, Foster appeared baffled by the situation. “It really has come as a surprise to me,” he explained.

“It began with an Ottolenghi dish. All I had intended on creating was Chipotle-roasted chicken with a plum and tarragon salad. Now my tenancy has been terminated. If I’d had any idea that the marinating process would lead to my eviction, I might not have bothered.”

It appears that after Foster had served up the rich and fruity chicken feast, all the passion and drive he had had during the preparation quickly evaporated. Foster took Ottelenghi’s advice to ‘leave the marinade overnight’ to an extreme by allowing the pan containing the remnants of the sauce to mature for a further ninety-seven days.

What began as a small amount of mould soon grew into a monstrous creature, morphing beyond recognition. When the pan could no longer contain the beast, the rapidly expanding monstrosity began to colonise the entire kitchen, destroying countless other mouldy (if uninhabited) pans in the process.

Foster is currently in the process of looking for a new house to move into. He is yet to find anyone wiling to live with him or his new disgusting partner in crime.


“For the love of God please write about something else,” Love Island cast beg The Tab

After several months of delving into their private lives, the 2015 cast of the ITV hit Love Island have posed a formal complaint to the student publication the Tab to “give it a bloody rest.”

The Tab’s infamous ‘Love Island Watchdog’ section is known for headlines such as ‘Jack commented on Dani’s Insta post and she REPLIED’. However, this morning the cast decided to take a stand against the student media outlet, requesting that the writers decrease the number of Love Island-related articles they publish, which at the time of press came in at a whopping 92% of all the content.

Love Island’s 2017 winners, Dani and Jack, have personally spoken out against the publication. In a formal complaint (given over Snapchat) the couple stated, “even though our livelihood, income and probably the wellbeing of our future children are ensured by the promotional activities of The Tab, it’s getting too much.

“My Mum doesn’t speak to me anymore,” chipped in Dani, “there’s no need. She just scrolls through The Tab Manchester’s Facebook page every morning and she’s all caught up. I miss her.”

Jack had alternative motives for the complaint: “we’re doing this for the greater good. We’re sacrificing our own publicity for the sake of student IQ across Britian. ”

This statement comes in light of a study which revealed that a student may be 40% less likely to graduate if they read the website daily, and 57% more likely to experience a mid-life crisis if they become a writer for The Tab.

One student commented, “when I read it, my head feels a bit softer? Like kind of spongey? The doctor prescribed The Guardian. It hasn’t worked.”

The publication have released a reply: “Despite the current mainstream media facing criticism for watering itself down for clickbait, fake news and obstruction of privacy, The Tab have always, and always will, endeavor to uphold the saying: “The pen is mightier than the sword” as well as, “Love Island is mightier than other reality TV, which is mightier than everything else.”

This could mark a downfall for the popular website as it has also been noted that articles such as “What your choice of ugly trainers reveals about you as a person” or “We can tell exactly how much sex you’re having from the items in your bedroom” may be potentially unreliable.



First year attempting to navigate Main Library ends up in bookcase from Interstellar

A disoriented fresher defied the boundaries of space and time in the library this Thursday night, after getting so lost on the way back to his desk he stumbled into the fifth-dimensional bookcase from Interstellar.

Leo Holmes, an Oak House resident, journeyed up Oxford Road, escaping the clamour of Owens Park cluster, to both start and finish a 2000 word essay due the next morning. His desperation turned to despair when, on the way back from his third cig break of the night, he took a wrong turn on Blue 2 and became trapped in Christopher Nolan’s tesseract.

With his essay submitted, The Whip caught up with a tired Leo for a blow-by-blow account of his altercation with the university’s archives.

“Mate, this library sends me under. I went up a different staircase to long out the walk back from smokers. I took a right, then a left, then through some fire doors, and the next thing I know I’m floating behind some bookcase.” In an attempt to describe the sensation, Leo explained, “You know 5am at afters when you forget who and where you are… it was something like that.”

He continued, “time wasn’t linear in there, so I had plenty of opportunity to do my assignment. I didn’t write a word, but I’ve done some thinking about it and concluded I probably should have gone to my lectures.” Luckily, Leo was rescued early this morning by some less-than-thrilled firefighters. Whilst they declined to comment, eyewitnesses report hearing angry mutterings about students, who should “get back in the real world”.


Crime rates plummet after inspiring ‘stay vigilant’ post on FSG

Manchester Police have produced a report detailing a stark decrease in muggings and burglaries in the Fallowfield and Withington area. The drop is thought to be due to the actions of one student, who bravely took to the Fallowfield Students Group Facebook page to reveal the existence of such crimes. Vinny Swindon, a third year student, last week posted on the Facebook group: ‘Stay vigilant everyone – just went for a piss and some weird old cunt robbed my bloody toaster – keep your windows closed.’ The brave post came as a shock to some members of FSG, many of whom were previously unaware of the threat of crime in the local area. One such student, Derren Smythe, spoke to The Whip: “If it hadn’t been for that post, I would have had absolutely no idea that burglaries happened in our area! I’d actually seen muggings first-hand in the past, but had assumed they were a friendly kind of ‘street hug’. It’s trailblazers like Vinny who inform the public and keep this community safe.” Chief Inspector Paul Garlicke announced to local news today that burglaries were down by around 26% percent from last week. Garlicke was particularly impressed by the cunningness and bravery shown by Vinny Swindon and other FSG prophets alike. “What we’re seeing here is the single best deterrent of petty crime since Stop-and-Search.” The police officer went on to add, “local residents need to start worrying less about shutting windows, hiding valuables and locking doors – these basic deterrents have aged poorly – and instead focus all their attention on using social media to publicise the crimes they hear about in the library”.

‘You know what they say about big feet!’ chuckles fresher with tiny dick

Awkwardness ensued this week in Fallowfield as a UoM fresher with a tiny knob insinuated that his larger-than-average feet somehow correlated to a larger-than-average bed snake.

This is the most recent in a long line of reports of irritatingly smug overcompensation taking place at student pre-drinks, with the even more overplayed ‘you know what they say about big hands’ and the saucily seasonal ‘you know what they say about big gloves’ also featuring heavily, as male students continue to struggle to come to terms with their shrivelled manhood.

‘I just don’t know what else to say when someone mentions large feet, large hands, or any other body part. I can’t control myself. I HAVE to make the joke’ explained Freddy, who allegedly cracks this specific wise at least once a day.

‘I have size 12s and most people think that the biological luck extends to my crotch – but in reality, it looks more like a sad little cocktail sausage, or a caterpillar readying to pupate. Unfortunately, continuing to make the joke is the only way I’ll ever get over it. That, and verbally abusing the homeless.’

But at some Fallowfield parties, social events and gatherings, smugly presented insecurities like Freddy’s aren’t frowned upon – they’re encouraged.

‘I laugh every time. Every damn time’ claimed one chino-clad sports male. ‘Sometimes when I can’t be bothered to say the whole big feet spiel I just shout, ‘I’VE GOT A REALLY BIG WILLY’, because its kind of the same thing if you think about it. Women don’t respond very well, but at least they think its true.’

Although it is being heavily disputed by hundreds of users of the joke format, a report has concluded there is no link between repeatedly making the joke and one’s penis enlarging.


Last non-London fresher finally uses ‘peak’ correctly

The Whip has conducted various exclusive tell-all interviews with a number of Manchester freshers on the ups and downs of first-year. In this exposition, Dominic Balls discusses his toughest challenge upon arriving a university.

Whip: So did you manage to get settled quite quickly?

Dominic Young: Yes, relatively. There were some pretty nice people around and I made friends with my flat fairly quickly. One thing that did confuse and concern me at first was the language of my mates from London, though. Although they are all really sweet, a lot of them kept using words that I hadn’t heard of. Well, I mean I had heard them before, but not used in the way they were.

W: What sort of thing do you mean?

DY: Well first of all, people kept talking about ‘allowing’ things during welcome week. I couldn’t work out what ‘allowing registration’ meant, so I just went along and gave the guys I’d met on the first day a ring to see where they were, but they told me that apparently there was an agreement to skip it. They were drinking beer near the suspension bridge instead, which I did remember discussing. I just thought it would be after registration, not during.

W: Were there any other moments of confusion like this one?

DY: Yes, a fair few. The other tricky one was ‘peak’. I just couldn’t establish whether it was a good or a bad thing for ages. Like you’d imagine it’d be good right? Peak is the top of something! But, in reality, it’s bad. For example, if you said you had lots of work to do tonight, I might say ‘Oh, that’s peak’, rather than ‘Oh, that’s annoying’. It’s a hugely useful term, albeit a little subtle for some people to grasp.

W: What was it like when you finally began nailing the slang?

DY: It is impossible to express in the words of men the feeling of acceptance and euphoria that overwhelmed me. I was finally ‘calm’. ‘Beg-friend’ Dominic was dead. I became a Londoner, a boy of the Big Smoke, Mr East End and King of the King’s Road incarnate. It was wonderful.

Reports emerging from Owens Park all indicate that since learning the terms, Dominic has landed a girlfriend, begun wearing luminous road-man shoes, and recently purchased a ticket to see Mall Grab at WHP.

The University itself has confirmed that Dominic was the very last first year to finally get a handle on the ‘peak’, and expressed delight that he had managed to catch up with the pack.