Reports have come in this morning of Tom Didley, one second year who has completely lost the ability to wipe his own arse after doing a shit. According to Tom, this situation arose after a five-month stint of living without toilet roll in his eight man Fallowfield house.
We caught up with Tom yesterday evening to find out more.
“It’s gotten pretty bad,” the Engineering undergraduate admitted. “It seems I’m stuck in a never-ending cycle of only remembering that we need more toilet roll in the house when I’m literally sat on the loo. And by then it’s much, much too late.
“Necessities such as loo roll, fairy liquid and toothpaste are easy overlooked when you’re so focussed on purchasing the ingredients for MOB Kitchen’s new vegan pad thai on the way back from uni.”
Initially, Tom told us he resourcefully began using the garden hose as an oriental-inspired ‘bum-gun’ in the absence of loo roll. He also mentioned the use of his housemate’s Rajasthani tapestry, a 15-tog duvet and one instance of extra long Rizlas.
“But one day,” he continued, “my mind went blank and that was that. I guess the action of wiping my arse was so far removed from my reality that I just forgot how to do it. Or why it was necessary. Or really what toilet roll even is. It’s an interesting way of life.”
Rumours have been circling that Manchester University are readying themselves to put a DASS scheme (Disabled Arse Sanitation Society) in place to help rehabilitate students for who befall this fate.