Categories
Leeds

Central Village residents hoping for swift return to sit down Wagas and lukewarm can of dark fruits

If you hadn’t already guessed, the lad in your flat eating beans out of the tin and blasting Tyler the Creator and Frank Ocean on his second-hand decks is finding life without the boys quite tough indeed.

Swathes of edgy boys, sporty lads and boring blokes are frothing at the mouth for a fresh pint of tart cider or even a whiff of a John Smith’s stained pub carpet. They’re gagging for a Wetherspoons breakfast, craving the feeling of a fresh pair of cords in an Urban Outfitter’s changing room, and desperate for a sit-down chicken katsu curry which they’ll order with no shame at all. You know the type.

Here at The Whip, we took a moment to acknowledge the struggle of these poor, bereft Leeds boys and remind ourselves that everybody is going through something this lockdown.

During these challenging times, we must acknowledge the struggle of those Tinder boys looking for a ‘sesh buddy’, without knowing when the next sesh will be. And those guys who just want someone to adventure with, unaware that it could be months before they can tell a real-life girl with misguided pride that they’re over six foot tall.

The days of tinnies in the park on a bright sunny day, pints of dark fruits outside Terrace and Old Bar and shitty Tesco cocktail tins on the long walk to town are a thing of the past. Come to think of it, all aspects of social alcohol consumption are non-existent unless you count a glass of Gallo rosé on FaceTime with your mum.

The Whip hope these days will soon return and with them, we can return the boring blokes of Leeds to their natural habitat. We just hope that Brudenell and Stone Roses are sufficiently stocked up on dark fruits lest all hell breaks loose.

Categories
Bristol UK

Soft boy poet attempts to rhyme ‘orange’ with ‘Hinge minge’

Fuck boy’s deceptive brother, the ever-adored soft boy, makes his Hinge debut with fridge tally category “hinge minge”, suitably placed next to “whose cooking good looking” and “bin day sin day” rota. His progressive flatmate, Sam Woke, whistleblowed the matter. 

“It’s all a bit of fun really” blows Woke, “when he’s finished, or rather, arrived, he offers his date a cup of tea, hurries over to the fridge and ticks her off like you would on bin day!” he chuckles. “It’s not like he’s objectifying them, it’s just a bit of second tier irony! After all, all storms pass aha”.

Apparently, the trick is to seduce your date with some engaging and enriching Hinge coquetry, such as “I like that you’re depressed, that’s fun” and “you kind of look like my cousin”. The staunch feminist reaches his poetic climax when he tells his date “your breasts look like Finish All-In-One capsules, but like, in an attractive way”. The following anti-climax is made after rhyming the safe word “duckduckgoose” with “you’re so loose”, which surprisingly was not met with the same enthusiasm. 

You might be concerned about this Hinge Lothario, but rest assured, he is, according to Woke, “super feminist, he loves his mum and can recite Judith Butler’s Bodies That Matter. Oh, and he only watches ethical porn from a site called pOrNhÜb”. 

Since Woke spoke out about the chart, his flatmate has attempted to get in touch with Hinge’s PR team to put ‘Hinge minge’ as the sales pitch for the online dating site. He has since received a lifelong ban from the app, alongside a message: “remember, not all nice guys finish last”.

Categories
Bristol UK

‘I’m saving myself for someone who will let me have sex with them’ declares particularly pious ChristianSoc member

Here we are: March. Lent is here, strangling us with the unrealistic expectations we’ve put on ourselves. Naturally, those who have quit smoking have long since decided that actually, it’s a more sensible idea to stop after graduating. Those who have redownloaded Strava are telling themselves they can easily run their lent 30k on the last day…

Some are, however, still going strong with their resolutions. The Whip speaks to one such fella, 3rd year ChristianSoc member Felix Morris, who recently declared he will be abstaining from the filthy act of lovemaking this lent or until he finds somebody who will let him have sex with them, whichever comes sooner.

“I’ve been doing it to become closer to Jesus” he tells our reporter “in fact I’m so close to him at the moment I can feel him deep inside me. It feels really good”

When asked whether he was struggling with his newfound ‘restrictions’, he revealed that it wasn’t actually as easy as one might presume: “Admittedly I am quite horny, but then again, the devil had horns and let’s be honest he was a bit of a tosser so I’m trying to change that. And to answer your question, no I haven’t had any interested parties to bat off yet but as soon as I go out with my cross earring in well… God help me”

Felix’s adios to intercourse is not his first foray into abstinence, attempting to quit blasphemous language last year. “Now that really was a rewarding experience, it really changed my life. But oh my God I’m desperate for a shag. Jesus Christ.”

Well, we at The Whip wish Felix the best of luck with his angelic endeavours.

Categories
Leeds

Leeds alumni failing to make impact on placement

Making your mark in the workplace is a well-known challenge for new employees. How do you ensure people know who you are? Call you the right name? Don’t mistake you for a well-dressed lamppost?

A plethora of literature exists on this very subject. Books with titles such as ‘How to climb your way to the top and make people hate you on the way’ and ’10 secrets of success: the main secret is to have a lot of money’. Books dictated by people with names like Brunk Dunkley and Flip McGivern who have carved lucrative careers in the vacuous business literature business.

But one new starter, or, in this case, new Starmer, has clearly not sought out any advice from such self-help gurus and is floundering like a tiny dog in a massive pond. Ex-Leeds student Sir Keir Starmer has suffered the same fate as many a recent graduate and accepted the first job offer that came his way, as Leader of the Opposition, despite clearly having no real interest or aptitude for the role. The Whip caught up with one of Sir Keir’s new colleagues, the MP for Polzance West and Shadow Minister for Shawarma and Other Rotating Meats, Yvonne Salad, to hear more about Sir Keir’s first few weeks.

“Well when he first arrived at the office, we all thought that someone’s Uncle was here to take them to a Coldplay gig, but it turns out he’s the new Leader of the Labour Party – so that certainly came as a shock.”

“He has been very visible, and keeps throwing press conferences and saying lots of very important sounding things, but as soon as he’s done saying them, I immediately forget who he is and where I am. He’s like that light-flash machine from Men in Black that makes you forget everything but in human form.”

We here at The Whip of course wish Leeds alumni the greatest of success, but next time we’ll see if Chris Pine is making another Wonder Woman, he was here for a semester abroad wasn’t he?

Categories
Bristol

Russian vaccine actually just shot of Chekov

Russia’s Sputnik V vaccine has recently been found to be a mere shot of the student-favourite budget brand of vodka, Chekov.

This shocking discovery was made after Russia’s presidential medical team’s advice for the vaccine to be “put in the tricep” was misheard to be “Putin, try a sip”. The unsuspecting dictator ingested the entire syringe, squirting its contents into his mouth, a sight comparable to an absinthe shot being sinked in Magaluf. Within seconds he was reportedly dancing with no inhibitions and begging strangers for a ciggy before finally passing out in a pool of his own sick.

The verdict of those who witnessed the ordeal was unanimous by medical professionals and laypeople alike; it was the work of Chekov. No wonder the gulags, whose residents had been subject to the vaccine’s testing trials, had been rumoured to start resembling a Wednesday night at Lizard Lounge.

This news comes shortly after it emerged in Germany that the Pfizer vaccine is merely schnitzel in liquid form, and the Oxford AstraZeneca vaccine is just a shot of the Tawny Port your dad’s been aging in the cellar of your Surrey home since the nineties.

Categories
Featured Leeds

Library tickets sell out faster than student offered grad scheme at BP

The path of the oil company exec is a well trodden one: private school education, fashionable university champagne socialism,  before justifying the purchase of their first Oxford Street suite as “a fiscally prudent investment in my future” at 27.

However, in a move that has sent shockwaves through the sell-out-sphere, tickets to Edward Boyle on Eventbrite are giving these champagne socialists a run for their money. The Whip caught up with grad scheme hopeful Orla Boutdabenjamins, to see how she felt about the new shill on the block.

“I was a bit disappointed when I first found out, I’d just sent off my application and was going to spend the day in the library finding out how bad oil spills really can be. I opened Eventbrite at 3:05 on the dot and they’d all gone, even bloody Laidlaw had sold out! Who’s that desperate to work on a backless chair with a desk that reaches your ankles?

In these uncertain times you can be certain that these tickets will sell out faster than I defend BritPet’s commitment to be carbon neutral by 2050. And I can do that really fast, do you want to hear?” 

Orla proceeded to explain the reason carbon neutrality is physically impossible and economically naive prior to 2050 despite our attempts to leave the interview. 

So are library tickets the future of selling out? Don’t even bother checking if they’re still there, some lucky sod who probably won’t even turn up probably has the whole day booked.

Categories
Bristol UK

Duke of Sussex renamed ‘Duke of Sex’ after second child announcement

Not long after Meghan and Harry announced their second pregnancy, the disgusted Royal family have taken revenge on the pair and renamed the historical County of Sussex, ‘Sex’.

As the couple rejoiced in sunny California, the mood in Balmoral was somber. The Whip exclusively reports that senior Royals met at the castle to discuss their ‘next move’ on the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Camilla had long played with the idea of renaming counties as a joke, yet when she suggested it this time, the Queen’s eyes lit up at the thought of utterly embarrassing the love-infected young couple.

The announcement of the new county of Sex has had a mixed response so far. The likes of the Conservative government blindly have praised the Royals, calling it ‘the sickest prank of all time’ with Keir Starmer ‘standing by the government, but thinks more should be done’.

Much of the public, however, was outraged. County residents have reported ‘intense embarrassment’ as many institutions have now had to change their names, such as the new: University of Sex and the Sex County Cricket Club, shortened to ‘Sex Club’, which has brought a new, largely unwanted yet strangely embraced, erotic element to the previously ‘unsexy’ sport.

We asked the Duke of York, Prince Andrew, to comment on calls for York to be renamed: ‘Big Fat Nonce’, ‘You’re a Fucking Nonce’ and ‘NonceTown’ but the nonce refused to comment.

Categories
Leeds

Responsible student establishes one-way system at illegal rave orgy

With a recent wave of law-breaking clandestine club nights coming to the attention of the rozzers, those wishing to throw a Covid friendly party (i.e. a party at which everyone will become intimately friendly with Covid by catching it) are on the lookout for ways to avoid scrutiny and potentially lessen punitive financial action.

One such method, already adopted by many in the retail industry, and briefly seen in pubs during the Great Pub Revival of June 2020 to November 2020, is the one-way system. A fool proof system that can in no way be circumvented and is completely and unequivocally effective, the one-way system was invented by Jules One-Way in 1884 after he walked directly into an oncoming shire horse. The system has seen a recent return to prominence thanks to the invention of the water slide and the popularity of Swedish tat emporium Ikea, both of which owe their continued relevance to the ingenuity of Jules One-Way.

Organiser of Illegal rave orgy night ‘DJs n BJs’, Olivia One-Way (no relation), was desperate to avoid a similar fate to ‘The Covid Arms’ in Birmingham and ‘The Abandoned Factory full of Stinky Crusties’ in Bristol, that saw organisers slapped and tickled with a £10,000 fine. The Whip caught up with Olivia to hear about her thoughtful cautionary plans.

“So basically right, I want to rave, I want to rave hard, I want to rave now, but most importantly, I want to rave safely. With all this Covid knocking about, I want to be able to have sex with strangers and gobble pellets like a horny tortoise, all with an air of consideration and care. So starting from our next illegal rave – inside the freezer of an abandoned vegan butchers in Chegton-On-The-Wold – we’ll have a strict one way system in the makeshift club that will criss-cross back and forth across the room. Also everyone will have to wear facemasks while they put their genitals through holes in the wall. Oh, and you have to sanitise your hands when you come in but not when you leave.”                 

The Whip reached out to Scotland Yard for comment but forgot to put a stamp on our letter so we don’t think they got it.

Categories
Bristol

5 of The Whip’s more questionable articles

We at The Whip recently received a scathing piece of criticism about the quality of our articles and, quite frankly, they’re absolutely right. Here are 5 of our more questionable ones:

1. ‘Big Pharma’ not in fact a massive agriculturalist
This one is just SILLY! Who would confuse pharmaceuticals with a farmer?

2. Durex releases hazmat suit with built-in condom
You should never joke about safe sex. We’re really sorry that happened.

3. We ranked the top 10 dogging spots on campus so Bristruths didn’t have to
Yet another sex joke…. fucking degenerates

4. Timpsons to be recognised as key workers
A pun? groundbreaking

5. BREAKING: Do not react; you are the saboteur
This show went downhill after the woman’s lipstick changed colour and we all know it. Should’ve boycotted.

Wonder which was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

Categories
Featured Leeds

Perseverance Rover told to self-isolate in Mars hotel for 14 days upon arrival

Sign of the times!

Categories
Bristol UK

Pigeons Seize Myanmar in Military Coo

Given the extensive media coverage surrounding the military takeover of Myanmar, there has been surprisingly little attention paid to the masterminds behind the operation.

Very suspicious…”, thought The Whip’s undercover reporting unit.

After one thing led to another, and a socially distanced first-class flight was booked to Naypyidaw, we found ourselves in the land of the golden pagoda, as the western world’s first media outlet permitted to interview the new administration.

We were given strict instructions to follow our appointed guards into a darkened room, just behind the airport KFC. After the doors were shut, we heard a flurry of flapping, followed by the sound of a husky, grizzled voice…

“Please, take a seat…”

Shock filled the room when the glow of a cigar burst unexpectedly from foot level, and the avian commander-in-chief revealed himself to our reporters.

“There were always cries for revolution, and rightly so” snarled general Min

“From my earliest days in the air force, our kind have been belittled and mocked,” he continued, “bird-brained, headless chicken, the endless jokes made at the expense of me and my brethren drove us to take drastic action.”

“True to form, we’ve taken a liquid shit over democracy in Myanmar. They shall tremble in awe before a thousand years of feathery rule!”

Surprised by this unexpectedly cuddly junta, we consulted the recently imprisoned NLD leader Aung San Suu Kyi to hear her take on the new government…

“To be honest, I’m more scared of them than the last lot,” she confessed, “At least with General Than Shwe, I knew all he wanted was complete government control, but with these pigeons, their motives remain unknown…I just don’t know what to expect!”

Much uncertainty remains for the people of Myanmar, all we know is that NOBODY’S bread is safe for the foreseeable future. The Whip will continue to provide updates as the situation unfolds…

Categories
Featured UK

BREAKING: Johnson permits household mixing of eggs, milk and flour

The latest lockdown has seen a return to the strictest rules since the beginning of the pandemic with even trips to Barnard Castle banned for high ranking government advisors. However, under public pressure Boris Johnson has announced a reprieve on the mixing ban, although only with a manual whisk because the electric one’s a bit messy. 

The Whip caught up with one of the Prime Minister’s advisors, Finn Batter, to gain some insight on this policy flip. 

“So basically ‘Lockdown: Original Flavour’ didn’t really work out, but everyone knows the first one is a throw away, so we thought we’d change it up this time round. The Prime Minister believes it is integral to celebrate holidays of all nationalities and faiths during the lockdown, as long as those nationalities and faiths are British and Christian. 

“This policy will hopefully bring the nation together and create some unity – unless you’re some weirdo that eats savoury pancakes, in that case you can fuck off.”

The celebration of Shrove Tuesday is expected to be at an all time high with nothing to do apart from Shrive the day away. Instagram stories featuring boomerangs of pancake flip attempts are expected to be in abundance, but at least it beats those soppy Valentine’s posts from two days ago.