At 4 in the morning last Sunday, Tyndalls park resident revellers (and plague vectors) were greeted by the warm embrace of everyone’s favourite oppressive governmental force, the Avon county police force. The ravers were happy to bring the swine into their drove assuming that they were there for the shindig. Bodycam footage of the event lets us hear joyous screams of “POLICE, POLICE” as the party goers welcome them. However, it soon became obvious that they were not there for fun, as they herded the partygoers into one room, taking their IDs and promising hefty fines despite the fact that the groups combined income barely scraped minus £37. But the problems for the now impoverished students did not stop there, as the police proceeded to take thousands of pounds of events equipment and half of their fridge’s contents.
While all assumed this would be the last time the decks would be spun, our team of highly trained reporters did some digging and found out the shocking truth. The recent crackdown was just a ploy to get better equipment for sergeant Bobby Varken’s leaving party. The party has been described by our sources as an “absolute madness” and “literally so mental”. While the former police sergeant denied the claim, stating it was nothing more than “a few drinks with the unit”, leaked drone footage of the event showed over 100 doughnut-munching bootlickers nodding their heads in unison to nu-metal.