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UK

Labour Party in disarray after accidentally uploading draft manifesto to Blackboard

Jeremy Corbyn’s election campaign has been thrown into uncertainty once again after it emerged that a draft manifesto was accidentally uploaded to Blackboard the night before it was due to be handed in.

The draft manifesto had a strong focus on ‘denationalisation’. However, when contacting the School of Arts administration team there are reports that the Leader of the Opposition has being trying his best to focus solely on ‘resubmission’.

Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell gave some insight into the atmosphere in the Labour camp.

‘Jeremy’s in a bad place about it to be honest. If they don’t let him resubmit, he could be looking at a low 2:2 – or even a third. He’s going to be shitting up the wall when he checks his rubric. We’re all very concerned.’

Despite their worries it’s not all bad for Labour’s team – in ignoring the submission instructions, which has been accredited as the primary reason for the mistimed draft upload, Theresa May’s adversary framed himself as a leader that doesn’t play by the rules.

One student at Bristol University agreed, ‘he’s a role model to the younger generation. I’ve thought so many times about leaving the submission sheet blank as it’s a frustrating errand, but I’ve never had the bollocks.

‘He’s hardcore. Or as I say sometimes, Hardcorbyn.’

 

Aaron Drapkin

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Uncategorised

Student launches global non-profit to avoid revision

Second year Sociology student Marcus Clevedon announced Friday evening week that he would be launching a new charity with global reach to tackle the problems of poverty, famine and global warming all at once.

He explained the plans at a press conference.

‘A lot of people think that these problems are separate, but that’s why we’re not really tackling them effectively. I realised that they were connected and so the only way to really tackle any one of them is to tackle all of them at the same time.’

The ambitious endeavour has already gained support from many world renowned charitable figures such as Bill Gates and J.K. Rowling.

The famed author described the endeavour as ‘bold and ambitious’, before going on to say that Clevedon would have to ‘dedicate his every waking moment to this effort’ for it to succeed.

Rebecca Jones, one of Clevedon’s close friends, responded with irritation, saying ‘he’s always pulling shit like this, before the January exams he tried to become an Olympic gymnast despite the fact that he can’t do a handstand.’

‘I bet he’ll still get a better mark than me.’

Luke Cox

Categories
Bristol

Noise conscious student pre-moistens crisps before entering ASS Library

Reports are coming in this morning of a fresher vigorously licking his Walker’s Cheese and Onion crisps outside the Arts and Social Sciences Library in an bid to reduce noise upon consumption.

Computer Science undergrad Winston Von Neeklenberg explained that he was doing all he could to respect the working conditions inside the ASS and so moistened each individual crisp before returning them to the bag to consume later.

“I was considering asking the toothless librarian at the front desk if she could gum them for me, but thought that might be too time-consuming,” he explained, “so my only other option was to soften them myself, which involved a complex lick and suck system to achieve the desired results.”

“There is a fine line between soggy and moist,” continued the student, “you want the crisps to be damp to reduce noise but not completely flaccid. Ideally, you bite the crisp and it bites you back. Timing is everything.”

Speaking on the motive behind this saga, or ‘Moistgate’ as it has been termed, he replied “I’m doing all I can to be silent in the library. Crisps are an incredibly loud food in themselves, not to mention the rustling of the bag. Softening crips beforehand does make them more chewy, and vigorous mastication is also a well-known stress reliever”.

Observers of this event described it as ‘disturbing’, ‘very troubling’, and ‘fucking weird’. The Whip has reached out to the library asking if they condone his actions, but has yet to hear back.

Ed Strang

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Uncategorised

Previously ambitious second year admits to fate of low 2:1

There are emerging reports that Philosophy student Elena Hands, 20, has finally given in to her inevitable destiny of achieving only about 63 or 64 in her degree regardless of former aspirations to maybe get a first.

Ms. Hands, from North London, had up until a few hours ago been gunning for 70 plus, but finally admitted to herself that a lower grade was probably sufficient for most graduate jobs and to satisfy any remaining desire to not totally waste £27,000.

The Whip spoke to the student. She appeared relieved to finally have the heavy weight of ambition and intellectual enthusiasm lifted from her shoulders.

‘In the past I was always really up for nailing revision, taking pride in my studies, and maximising on probably the most financially crippling personal investment I am likely to pursue for the rest of my life.

‘For example, I used to attend all my seminars having done the readings, go to my tutors’ office hours for advice, and just broadly take pride in the subject I dearly love: Philosophy.

‘I was doing well too, usually averaging between 68 and 73 or so. But when I woke up this morning I experienced a profound change of heart. It was like some other-worldly voice saying to me, “fuck this, working hard is really long and definitely not worth it”.

‘I immediately binned my reams of colour-coded notes on Aristotle, literally countless mind-maps and any remnants of pride in doing my best. It was a glorious, transcendental purge of ambition and adult responsibility.

‘It’s genuinely been the most liberating three hours of my life. I should have set my sights lower ages ago.’

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Uncategorised

Perfectly capable mark-stealing wanker gets extra time

Emerging confident from yet another effortless three and a half hour examination, Bristol University Chemistry student Hannah Jacobs, 20, insisted that her 25% additional time was definitely justified, despite being a totally competent 2:1-thieving bastard.

Ms Jacobs, from Surrey, was diagnosed with mild dyslexia aged 13 by an educational psychologist hired by her mum, and has since nailed literally every single test purely by virtue of having way longer than everyone else to complete them.

It is common knowledge amongst her friends that Hannah does definitely not have sufficient learning difficulties to deserve her allotted extra time, but that does not stop her from feeling like her good grades are the result of anything but hard work and intellectual endeavour.

The Whip spoke to her friend Alice on Sunday evening.

‘Hannah’s good marks really bum us all out. She goes into every exam so bloody confident, but that’s literally the exact opposite of how it feels to be dyslexic. The point is, they’re supposed to be scared – otherwise how are the rest of us meant to get ahead?

Alice continues, ‘Like fair play to her, she’s constantly getting mid-to-high 2:1s, and that’s impressive. But her learning difficulties must have worn off by now. She makes the occasional spelling mistake, but who doesn’t? That’s life. Someone’s got to stop this mark-stealing snake before this crap means she gets a job above other people.

‘The whole thing is an absolute farce.’

Toby DB

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Bristol

Durdham chronic virginity epidemic continues

Reports from the University suggest that the outbreak of virginity in Durdham has reached epidemic levels, with almost all students in the Stoke Bishop hall infected as of Wednesday evening.

The illness emerged only shortly after the hall was founded in the early 90s, and despite hopes for the development of a vaccine, the number of recorded cases has steadily risen yearly.

Reports from the Warden’s Office identify only two remaining virginity-free residents out of 220.

It appears both students have since handed in requests to transfer to Hiatt Baker – one of the only halls which is willing to take Durdham escapees due to its maintenance of a secure unit to prevent the spread of virginity amongst its cohort.

The University of Bristol has come under significant criticism from human rights activists for its lack of care regarding the situation in Durdham. With getting down and dirty a crucial, immutable aspect of the university experience, something will have to give soon for the hall to remain open.

Categories
Bristol

Economics exam scheduled at Temple Meads, platform 6

Unsatisfied with only inconveniencing students with an exam at Temple Meads, the Economics faculty went one infuriating step further by relocating ‘Introduction to Quantitative Easing’ to the tracks of platform 6 yesterday morning.

Reports suggest that the timetabling team decided against the ‘much too easily accessed’ Passenger Shed, and instead settled on the live tracks by virtue of their being ‘a challenging but probably survivable’ obstacle for first years.

‘We toyed with the idea of putting the exam in the SU, but this seemed far too obvious a location for the test to take place,’ explained the course convener, ‘so the only other alternative was the live train tracks of Temple Meads.

‘Touching the tracks is of course not recommended. Even the slightest contact will cause 17,000 volts of electricity to course through their feeble bodies. Of course, that challenge provides some pizazz to an otherwise deathly boring three hours for the overseeing exam invigilators.

‘Looking forward, the first problem the students should expect to face when opening their papers is avoiding the 09:31 from Salisbury, a 12-carriage locomotive with an impact force of seventeen megatons. The remaining 2 hours should be spent in silent examination, avoiding swarms of defecating pigeons, pissing tramps and screaming toddlers who hurl themselves like lemmings from the platform edge.

‘We toyed with setting up shop on the inside lane of the M25, in a carriage of Thorpe Park’s Nemesis Inferno, or downtown Raqqa, but ultimately logistical issues necessitated the use of platform 6.’

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Bristol

Psychologists baffled as LSTD attendee fails to upload Instagram photo

A team of clinical psychologists have been left ‘totally mystified’ by a Love Saves the Day reveller who, for some unknown reason, didn’t upload a fun, summery photo of event.

According to Bristol University Psychology Professor Aaron Chowdry, the student was literally the only attendee of the day festival who resisted flaunting their narcotic-fuelled day-out online.

The Whip spoke to him on Monday evening.

‘Whilst the identity of the 20-year-old affected by this extraordinary psychotic episode cannot be announced for legal reasons, we are certain that their failure to post anything on social media within 12 hours of this day festival means they are not in a sound state of mind.

‘One need only look at the actions of their peers, who universally popped a sunny, happy, glittery snapshot onto Instagram, to see the astounding nature of this particular mental breakdown. No one in our field saw it coming – it’s a truly seminal case for behavioural psychology.

‘Going forward, the student is to be interned at Broadmoor high-security hospital in Berkshire to restrain them from committing any similar unholy cultural malignancies. The staff there are concerned, but have suggested a long-term recovery may still be a possibility.

‘This individual’s deafening silence on the photo-sharing platform was a social blitzkrieg that will no doubt put them into the history books. We are all shocked, but to be completely honest, totally amazed.

‘It’s now about ensuring their welfare, and trying to prevent them from not constantly broadcasting their social life online just one day at a time.’

Categories
Bristol

Brexit cancelled after Redland student erects EU flag

In a shock change of national direction, Prime Minister Theresa May announced Wednesday morning that Brexit has been ‘totally, unilaterally scrapped’ after the hanging of an EU flag from a Bristol student house window.

The flag, erected Monday afternoon by Remainer Clemmie Winderlow, 21, was spotted by road workers on the adjacent Hampton Road in the early hours of Tuesday.

According to the Guardian, Downing Street was thereafter informed of the banner by Redland council authorities as a matter of ‘utmost urgency’.

The Whip spoke to Bristol Councillor Anthony Megus (Labour) at the scene.

‘Of course, the United Kingdom’s vote to leave the European Union last summer sent shockwaves through the international political landscape. It was an astonishing, unprecedented result that challenged the post-war consensus of liberal democracy and globalisation.

‘Indeed, as negotiations to leave the union got fully underway the issue came to dominate our national discourse. No-one really had any idea what kind of deal we would receive or which rights expatriates might be guaranteed. Of particular concern was the global economy as the markets have been extremely volatile recently – especially since the announcement of the General Election.

‘It was an extraordinary relief, therefore, when I was informed by pavement contractors in lower Redland that Ms Winderlow had decided to hang one of those EU flags from her bedroom window. A number of bookkeepers had suspended betting on her doing so, but it still took everyone in Whitehall and Brussels by surprise.

‘Negotiations have been cancelled upon the orders of a discreetly ecstatic prime minister, and we will Remain. But really, it’s all thanks to Clemmie. The international community is forever indebted to this young lady. She has an enormous future ahead of her. 

 

 

Categories
UK

Labour ahead in polls after groundbreaking student Facebook status

 

Experts suggest Tim’s use of angry and sad emojis was a crucial factor in tipping the national political outlook.

Jeremy Corbyn’s marked increase in recent polls is entirely down to the furious Facebook presence of a 21-y

ear-old Bristol student, the BBC confirmed this morning.

It seems French undergraduate Felix Sainty’s broadcasting of a series of anti-Tory sentences to his indifferent cohort of social media connections finally tipped the national consciousness in favour of the leftist leader.

The post, which was liked by 24 people and shared by two, scathingly branded the prime minister fascist, called for unilateral nuclear and non-nuclear disarmament, and was apparently so ‘unbelievably hardcore progressive’ that people up and down the nation couldn’t help but take notice.

Despite reasonable points in the comments section from his mum and best mate suggesting he focus

more on those suffering from social care and NHS cuts, Mr Sainty went on to label Philip Hammond the ‘heir to Himmler’ and fox hunters ‘the Zionists of the countryside’.

The Whip made contact with Felix’s mum on Monday evening. We informed her that it was her son’s Facebook post that will likely clinch victory for the Labour Party.

‘Oh that’s good,’ she began, ‘Felix has been a big fan of Mr Corbyn for a couple of weeks now, so it’s good to hear he’s been at least a little influential in helping out the party.’

‘At first I was bit concerned because he can get a little anxious about social media sometimes. Usually, for example, he’d just add a template to his profile picture or something, but it’s good to hear his apoplectic, virtue-signalling, emoji-stained proclamation made a difference’ she concluded.

Toby DB

Categories
Bristol

Wills Memorial building to be rebranded Sports Direct Arena

Following mounting pressure to sever the University of Bristol’s ties with the slave trade, a petition was launched last week to rename the Wills Memorial Building.

Whilst those who initiated the petition may not have expected it to reach further than the West Country, billionaire retail entrepreneur Mike Ashley has seen this as an opportunity for promotion.

Since the tragic affair in Newcastle in 2011 – in which St James’ Park was briefly and unsuccessfully colonised as the Sports Direct Arena – Ashely has been hungry for a new site.

Yesterday, the University of Bristol received a ‘very serious, seven-figure offer’ to completely rebrand the iconic building, according to our sources.

‘SportsDirect.com, UK’s Number 1’ is reportedly to be engraved on the front of the building.

Negotiations are ongoing, but the presence of a ‘closing down’ sign is expected to be included in the deal, to remain ‘in keeping with the national brand’. SportsDirect.com has released this statement: ‘we are hugely excited to get involved in the community, and especially to become a part of the collective cover-up and denial of Bristol’s controversial past’.