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Bristol UK

“We don’t want our pure English genes tainted!” cry inbred unemployed German family

With shockwaves from Harry and Meghan’s explosive Oprah interview reverberating around the world, Buckingham Palace once again finds itself in hot water.

Serious accusations of racism and bullying were fired its way, and naturally the palace was simply not going to take this one sitting down (with the notable exception of the Prince of Wales, who reportedly has refused to uncross his legs since ‘seeing those two Mega Hotties on telly at the same time’).

Issuing a passionate plea to the public, the British royal family has insisted that its abhorrent comments regarding baby Archie’s skin tone were simply aiming to preserve its pure, authentically English bloodline. After the howls of laughter had quietened down, The Whip’s Royal Correspondent managed to gain an exclusive interview with the unnamed royal family member who questioned the potential skin colour of baby Archie… 

“Well of course it was me, who the fuck else would it be??” exclaimed prince Phillip. “You think Charles can produce a zinger like that? He’d probably break down in tears and apologise to them, the wetty! At 99, I’ve had plenty of time to fine tune my ‘craft’, believe me…”

The consort continued, “as a Greek man, happily married to his cousin and living off the British taxpayer, I know that our family has a duty to keep the bloodline as unmarred and as authentically English as possible. After all, it’s what the public want.”

It seems then that the irony has not landed for this sorry bunch. Perhaps the best course of action is to go the traditional Windsor route, and keep it in the family.

Categories
Bristol UK

Prince Andrew Rejected from Teen First Dates

With Harry and Meghan’s fresh allegations of bullying from the palace, and Prince Phillip undergoing his 20715th stint in hospital, it’s safe to say that 2021 is no easy time to be a British royal. However, it seems that the tragedies continue for Buckingham palace this week, as reports have flooded in that former heir and current nonce-in-exile HRH Prince Andrew has experienced the cruel sting of rejection from none other than his favourite channel 4 programme, Teen First Dates.

“I’m absolutely devastated”, sobbed the comfortingly sweat-less prince, “I really thought this was my best shot at true love…well, err, I mean aside from Fergie and all the others of course, but they were just temporary flings, everybody knows where my true loyalties lie…”

“I’d even spent the past month brushing up on my youth speak, isn’t it brother?” he continued, “All that hard work for nothing, guess I’ll have to return that vintage north face puffer at some point”.

When approached for comment, Teen First Dates producer Chloe Huang responded, “While clearly, we knew something was off from the get-go, it just became rather sad after a while,” sighed the weary producer…

“The fact that his ideal date venue was the Woking pizza express was probably our first hint,” continued Huang, “but after repeatedly trying to fool us with false noses and different outfits, it just felt like he was taking the piss! I mean how desperate can one man be to get on this show?”

Bloodied but unbowed, the Duke of York informed our correspondent that he aims to give his application one final shot, before exploring the option of becoming a Netflix original star as a plan B, commenting that “if Harry and Meghan can do it, why the fuck can’t I?”.

Categories
Bristol UK

Soft boy poet attempts to rhyme ‘orange’ with ‘Hinge minge’

Fuck boy’s deceptive brother, the ever-adored soft boy, makes his Hinge debut with fridge tally category “hinge minge”, suitably placed next to “whose cooking good looking” and “bin day sin day” rota. His progressive flatmate, Sam Woke, whistleblowed the matter. 

“It’s all a bit of fun really” blows Woke, “when he’s finished, or rather, arrived, he offers his date a cup of tea, hurries over to the fridge and ticks her off like you would on bin day!” he chuckles. “It’s not like he’s objectifying them, it’s just a bit of second tier irony! After all, all storms pass aha”.

Apparently, the trick is to seduce your date with some engaging and enriching Hinge coquetry, such as “I like that you’re depressed, that’s fun” and “you kind of look like my cousin”. The staunch feminist reaches his poetic climax when he tells his date “your breasts look like Finish All-In-One capsules, but like, in an attractive way”. The following anti-climax is made after rhyming the safe word “duckduckgoose” with “you’re so loose”, which surprisingly was not met with the same enthusiasm. 

You might be concerned about this Hinge Lothario, but rest assured, he is, according to Woke, “super feminist, he loves his mum and can recite Judith Butler’s Bodies That Matter. Oh, and he only watches ethical porn from a site called pOrNhÜb”. 

Since Woke spoke out about the chart, his flatmate has attempted to get in touch with Hinge’s PR team to put ‘Hinge minge’ as the sales pitch for the online dating site. He has since received a lifelong ban from the app, alongside a message: “remember, not all nice guys finish last”.

Categories
Bristol UK

‘I’m saving myself for someone who will let me have sex with them’ declares particularly pious ChristianSoc member

Here we are: March. Lent is here, strangling us with the unrealistic expectations we’ve put on ourselves. Naturally, those who have quit smoking have long since decided that actually, it’s a more sensible idea to stop after graduating. Those who have redownloaded Strava are telling themselves they can easily run their lent 30k on the last day…

Some are, however, still going strong with their resolutions. The Whip speaks to one such fella, 3rd year ChristianSoc member Felix Morris, who recently declared he will be abstaining from the filthy act of lovemaking this lent or until he finds somebody who will let him have sex with them, whichever comes sooner.

“I’ve been doing it to become closer to Jesus” he tells our reporter “in fact I’m so close to him at the moment I can feel him deep inside me. It feels really good”

When asked whether he was struggling with his newfound ‘restrictions’, he revealed that it wasn’t actually as easy as one might presume: “Admittedly I am quite horny, but then again, the devil had horns and let’s be honest he was a bit of a tosser so I’m trying to change that. And to answer your question, no I haven’t had any interested parties to bat off yet but as soon as I go out with my cross earring in well… God help me”

Felix’s adios to intercourse is not his first foray into abstinence, attempting to quit blasphemous language last year. “Now that really was a rewarding experience, it really changed my life. But oh my God I’m desperate for a shag. Jesus Christ.”

Well, we at The Whip wish Felix the best of luck with his angelic endeavours.

Categories
Bristol UK

Duke of Sussex renamed ‘Duke of Sex’ after second child announcement

Not long after Meghan and Harry announced their second pregnancy, the disgusted Royal family have taken revenge on the pair and renamed the historical County of Sussex, ‘Sex’.

As the couple rejoiced in sunny California, the mood in Balmoral was somber. The Whip exclusively reports that senior Royals met at the castle to discuss their ‘next move’ on the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Camilla had long played with the idea of renaming counties as a joke, yet when she suggested it this time, the Queen’s eyes lit up at the thought of utterly embarrassing the love-infected young couple.

The announcement of the new county of Sex has had a mixed response so far. The likes of the Conservative government blindly have praised the Royals, calling it ‘the sickest prank of all time’ with Keir Starmer ‘standing by the government, but thinks more should be done’.

Much of the public, however, was outraged. County residents have reported ‘intense embarrassment’ as many institutions have now had to change their names, such as the new: University of Sex and the Sex County Cricket Club, shortened to ‘Sex Club’, which has brought a new, largely unwanted yet strangely embraced, erotic element to the previously ‘unsexy’ sport.

We asked the Duke of York, Prince Andrew, to comment on calls for York to be renamed: ‘Big Fat Nonce’, ‘You’re a Fucking Nonce’ and ‘NonceTown’ but the nonce refused to comment.

Categories
Bristol UK

Pigeons Seize Myanmar in Military Coo

Given the extensive media coverage surrounding the military takeover of Myanmar, there has been surprisingly little attention paid to the masterminds behind the operation.

Very suspicious…”, thought The Whip’s undercover reporting unit.

After one thing led to another, and a socially distanced first-class flight was booked to Naypyidaw, we found ourselves in the land of the golden pagoda, as the western world’s first media outlet permitted to interview the new administration.

We were given strict instructions to follow our appointed guards into a darkened room, just behind the airport KFC. After the doors were shut, we heard a flurry of flapping, followed by the sound of a husky, grizzled voice…

“Please, take a seat…”

Shock filled the room when the glow of a cigar burst unexpectedly from foot level, and the avian commander-in-chief revealed himself to our reporters.

“There were always cries for revolution, and rightly so” snarled general Min

“From my earliest days in the air force, our kind have been belittled and mocked,” he continued, “bird-brained, headless chicken, the endless jokes made at the expense of me and my brethren drove us to take drastic action.”

“True to form, we’ve taken a liquid shit over democracy in Myanmar. They shall tremble in awe before a thousand years of feathery rule!”

Surprised by this unexpectedly cuddly junta, we consulted the recently imprisoned NLD leader Aung San Suu Kyi to hear her take on the new government…

“To be honest, I’m more scared of them than the last lot,” she confessed, “At least with General Than Shwe, I knew all he wanted was complete government control, but with these pigeons, their motives remain unknown…I just don’t know what to expect!”

Much uncertainty remains for the people of Myanmar, all we know is that NOBODY’S bread is safe for the foreseeable future. The Whip will continue to provide updates as the situation unfolds…

Categories
Featured UK

BREAKING: Johnson permits household mixing of eggs, milk and flour

The latest lockdown has seen a return to the strictest rules since the beginning of the pandemic with even trips to Barnard Castle banned for high ranking government advisors. However, under public pressure Boris Johnson has announced a reprieve on the mixing ban, although only with a manual whisk because the electric one’s a bit messy. 

The Whip caught up with one of the Prime Minister’s advisors, Finn Batter, to gain some insight on this policy flip. 

“So basically ‘Lockdown: Original Flavour’ didn’t really work out, but everyone knows the first one is a throw away, so we thought we’d change it up this time round. The Prime Minister believes it is integral to celebrate holidays of all nationalities and faiths during the lockdown, as long as those nationalities and faiths are British and Christian. 

“This policy will hopefully bring the nation together and create some unity – unless you’re some weirdo that eats savoury pancakes, in that case you can fuck off.”

The celebration of Shrove Tuesday is expected to be at an all time high with nothing to do apart from Shrive the day away. Instagram stories featuring boomerangs of pancake flip attempts are expected to be in abundance, but at least it beats those soppy Valentine’s posts from two days ago.

Categories
Bristol UK

Police use confiscated DJ gear to host “fat fuck off rave”

At 4 in the morning last Sunday, Tyndalls park resident revellers (and plague vectors) were greeted by the warm embrace of everyone’s favourite oppressive governmental force, the Avon county police force. The ravers were happy to bring the swine into their drove assuming that they were there for the shindig. Bodycam footage of the event lets us hear joyous screams of “POLICE, POLICE” as the party goers welcome them. However, it soon became obvious that they were not there for fun, as they herded the partygoers into one room, taking their IDs and promising hefty fines despite the fact that the groups combined income barely scraped minus £37. But the problems for the now impoverished students did not stop there, as the police proceeded to take thousands of pounds of events equipment and half of their fridge’s contents. 

While all assumed this would be the last time the decks would be spun, our team of highly trained reporters did some digging and found out the shocking truth. The recent crackdown was just a ploy to get better equipment for sergeant Bobby Varken’s leaving party. The party has been described by our sources as an “absolute madness” and “literally so mental”. While the former police sergeant denied the claim, stating it was nothing more than “a few drinks with the unit”, leaked drone footage of the event showed over 100 doughnut-munching bootlickers nodding their heads in unison to nu-metal.

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Bristol UK

Emily in Paris nominated for Nobel Prize

After 2 Golden Globe nominations, Netflix series Emily in Paris has been nominated for a Nobel Prize, The Whip are not at all shocked to report.

According to Alfred Nobel, Nobel Prizes are awarded “to those who, during the preceding year, have conferred the greatest benefit to humankind” and we should probably take his word for it because it was his idea. 

Did Emily in Paris provide great benefit to humankind? Of course it did! Remember that bit where she ate a croissant and practically had an orgasm? I’ve been thinking about that for months now. 

Or what about that time she went to the wrong floor because she’s a silly, silly American? Laughing at American people being silly is one of my favourite things to do! Really helped me through my parents divorce.

Plus, I really like Lily Collins. Did you know Phil Collins is her dad? He’s the guy who does that drumming in that song. Like duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh DUH! Makes me cry every time. But back to business…

Emily in Paris, oh the places you’ll go! 

Categories
Leeds UK

Breakout room easy to break out of; just close Zoom

Along with Strava and our beloved billionaires, Breakout Rooms are the real winners of the pandemic.

Seminar leaders love them: they lock you away for twenty minutes whilst they have a cup of tea and watch an episode of Friends. Students hate them: brief discussion of the seminar topic soon gives way to small talk which in turn gives way to frosty silence. Yet news emerged this morning which has rocked the virtual conferencing world. 

The Whip spoke to 2nd year History student, Casey Closed who achieved the unfathomable –  breaking out of a breakout room. 

“I was in a seminar learning about the history of history books and I thought, ‘crikey, this is shit.’ No one was talking, no cameras on. It was painstakingly painful. The final straw came when we were put into Breakout Rooms for 25 minutes. Now that’s just inhumane! I had to get out of there. The red cross in the corner of the screen looked so god damn alluring, that I just couldn’t resist. I pressed it and bang – I’d broken out.”

This revelation is sure to be a game changer for students who now enter Breakout Rooms, knowing that salvation from their cyber prison is just a crimson click away.

The virtual ball is back in the seminar leaders’ virtual court, how will they respond? Only time will tell, but one thing is for sure: discussion will not be facilitated.

Categories
Bristol UK

Brexiteers watch Bridgerton to find the pull-out method doesn’t work

At school we were taught that the pull-out method doesn’t work. But like many students, it hasn’t stopped the UK trying. It seems the old “close your eyes and think of England” trick couldn’t be more current in today’s post-EU climate.

The pull-out method, otherwise known as coitus interruptus, has been in use since biblical times, popular amongst fuckboys in powdered wigs and Dominic Cummings. Romp-saga Bridgerton repopularised the method but with an unwanted comeback.   

After her mother’s wed-bed advice, “birds and the bees? I don’t know her”, Daphne is convinced she and the Duke can belly-to-belly around their bedroom, gardens, and Heaven! Forbid! The! Library! Ladders! and still not be With Child. Yet, Daphne’s pregnancy proves that the Duke’s “honeymooning” into a tissue is not a reliable method of birth control. (The Whip does not recommend this at home.)

Upon watching, Brexiteer viewers have found that the pull-out method does have its comeuppance. After some long 47 thrusts (sorry, years) into the EU, Britain officially divorced her counterpart on the 31st of December.

At first, Europe was like Bridgerton’s ‘Diamond of the first water’: if you weren’t her, you would want to be in her. Britain is like Simon, a fuckboy who has been in Europe for some time but cannot commit all the way. Daphne is just as frustrated as Europe, although she hasn’t introduced any tariffs…yet. You can’t expect to get divorced without any tears along the way.

In both Bridgerton and Europe, there is a reason the pull-out method is a missed conception. It just doesn’t work.

Yes, I am certain Britain can spill its seed elsewhere, but will they have magic stars? Probably not.

Categories
Bristol UK

Year abroad student learning surprisingly little French trapped in Surrey

Ah, the year abroad. Once frustrating for your friends, now just as frustrating for you. 

With many unable to travel thanks to Brexit and that pesky ol’ corona, The Whip decided to interview some 3rd year languages students about their year abroad experience. After all, they’re getting pretty lonely in their parents’ houses and could use the company…

“The closest I’ve got to a culture shock was a particularly bad yeast infection”, said our first interviewee, “and when I reached out to the uni for help we got back this blanket email: 

Dear Year 3 students, 

Sux 2 be u lol 

Yours Sincerely, 

The Department of Modern Languages

… made me cry a little bit to be honest”.

Others we spoke with shared her disillusionment, such as Rob Hughes, who simply responded with “Je joue au football le week-end avec mes amis” and some heavy sobbing when we asked if his French had improved. 

Some Spanish students have been going to extreme lengths to try and replicate the year abroad experience from home, with one reportedly changing all her clocks to Cuba time. “I haven’t seen sunlight in weeks” she told our reporter, shivering and taking yet another long drag from a ‘cigar’ that was clearly just a tampon wrapped in brown paper. 

Looks like karma finally got those smug bastards…