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UK

Le Pen slinks back into pencil case

After a decisive loss in the second round of the French elections far right candidate Marine Le Pen has largely disappeared from the public eye. However, reports are suggesting that she was spotted last night retreating into a large pencil case at the École nationale supérieure des Beaux-Arts – Paris’ renowned art school.

A couple walking late at night reported seeing a slender figure moving swiftly and silently through the shadowy backstreets of Champs-Elysées, pausing only occasionally to write baseless insults about President-elect Emmanuel Macron on walls.

“At first we thought it was some kind of mime,” the pair said “but we quickly realised that it had to be a piece of stationary of titanic proportions. The lettering, albeit sloppy, childish and racially charged, was absolutely huge.”

Once the sun rose it became obvious to experts that the Front National leader’s trail was heading straight for the school.

“She tends to display this sort of behaviour when stressed,” noted one “it’s no surprise really. This lady takes isolationism to its intellectual extreme – in this instance, securing herself inside a massive stationary container.”

Although Ms Le Pen shows no sign of emerging, pundits predict that something must give soon if she is to have sufficient time to train her daughter Mathilde to lose the 2032 French election by a mere 14%.

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UK

Macron and Trudeau in run-off election for most devilishly handsome French-speaking leader

President-elect of France Emmanuel Macron and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will go head-to-head in a special international vote to decide which of the knee-achingly dishy Francophone premiers is sexiest.

The poll, which is the first of its kind, will be staged a week Friday and will aim to finally settle the fiery debate over which of the two young, power-wielding, hunky pieces of meat is actually the most unbearably irresistible.

All 750 million citizens of the G7 will be able to vote on the question:

“Keeping in mind how both Mr Macron and Mr Trudeau have power over millions, adhere to wonderfully level-headed administrative agendas, and speak French, whilst concurrently possessing the facial structure of Greek demigods and the body of a 26 year-old Fight Club Brad Pitt, which do you think is the most wonderfully, devilishly handsome French-speaking world leader?”

The election is set to take place sometime towards the end of the summer to give both candidates time to work on their tan, think about outfits and sort their hair – although both are pretty much as inordinately handsome as it gets already.

‘I’ve been following this quite closely actually,’ a skittish Theresa May revealed at a press conference Wednesday night.

‘I’ve met Justin in person and he really is the majestic creature you’ve all seen on TV. I’ll decide who I’m going to vote for once I’ve met Mr Macron though – he is also pretty fucking hot, apparently.’

The Frenchman won the presidency with 66% of final round votes, whilst Mr Trudeau has been in office since Autumn 2015 – and makes bilingual public statements for Cananda’s 12 million French speakers.

Look out for The Whip’s exclusive election special, we’ll be covering the countdown, results and aftermath.

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UK

Conservative Party releases manifesto, swarm of locusts

Handpicked journalists and Conservative party activists were impressed Wednesday afternoon after the joint unveiling of the party manifesto and a horde of one hundred million Australian plague locusts.

Theresa May assured those present that the insects would be released over a random, unsuspecting countryside community, and would ideally lead to the immediate and total destruction of all regional food crops.

‘A vote for me is a vote for strong and stable leadership, and a swarm of pestilence across your lands.

‘It will also give me a mandate to negotiate the best Brexit deal whilst the poor starve.’

Local voters noted that despite the policy being unexpected they still intended to vote Conservative.

‘She may have destroyed all my crops, left me in destitution and shredded any hope I had of passing on the family business to our son,’ said local farmer Graham Wilcroft, ‘but Jeremy Corbyn wears too much beige so I’ll definitely still be voting for her.’

The Leader of the Opposition strongly condemned the swarm’s release but his criticism was widely ignored in the mainstream press on that basis that, unlike his policies, it had already been purchased so must have been fully costed and a realistic price.

Luke Cox

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UK

Labour Party in disarray after accidentally uploading draft manifesto to Blackboard

Jeremy Corbyn’s election campaign has been thrown into uncertainty once again after it emerged that a draft manifesto was accidentally uploaded to Blackboard the night before it was due to be handed in.

The draft manifesto had a strong focus on ‘denationalisation’. However, when contacting the School of Arts administration team there are reports that the Leader of the Opposition has being trying his best to focus solely on ‘resubmission’.

Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell gave some insight into the atmosphere in the Labour camp.

‘Jeremy’s in a bad place about it to be honest. If they don’t let him resubmit, he could be looking at a low 2:2 – or even a third. He’s going to be shitting up the wall when he checks his rubric. We’re all very concerned.’

Despite their worries it’s not all bad for Labour’s team – in ignoring the submission instructions, which has been accredited as the primary reason for the mistimed draft upload, Theresa May’s adversary framed himself as a leader that doesn’t play by the rules.

One student at Bristol University agreed, ‘he’s a role model to the younger generation. I’ve thought so many times about leaving the submission sheet blank as it’s a frustrating errand, but I’ve never had the bollocks.

‘He’s hardcore. Or as I say sometimes, Hardcorbyn.’

 

Aaron Drapkin

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UK

Labour ahead in polls after groundbreaking student Facebook status

 

Experts suggest Tim’s use of angry and sad emojis was a crucial factor in tipping the national political outlook.

Jeremy Corbyn’s marked increase in recent polls is entirely down to the furious Facebook presence of a 21-y

ear-old Bristol student, the BBC confirmed this morning.

It seems French undergraduate Felix Sainty’s broadcasting of a series of anti-Tory sentences to his indifferent cohort of social media connections finally tipped the national consciousness in favour of the leftist leader.

The post, which was liked by 24 people and shared by two, scathingly branded the prime minister fascist, called for unilateral nuclear and non-nuclear disarmament, and was apparently so ‘unbelievably hardcore progressive’ that people up and down the nation couldn’t help but take notice.

Despite reasonable points in the comments section from his mum and best mate suggesting he focus

more on those suffering from social care and NHS cuts, Mr Sainty went on to label Philip Hammond the ‘heir to Himmler’ and fox hunters ‘the Zionists of the countryside’.

The Whip made contact with Felix’s mum on Monday evening. We informed her that it was her son’s Facebook post that will likely clinch victory for the Labour Party.

‘Oh that’s good,’ she began, ‘Felix has been a big fan of Mr Corbyn for a couple of weeks now, so it’s good to hear he’s been at least a little influential in helping out the party.’

‘At first I was bit concerned because he can get a little anxious about social media sometimes. Usually, for example, he’d just add a template to his profile picture or something, but it’s good to hear his apoplectic, virtue-signalling, emoji-stained proclamation made a difference’ she concluded.

Toby DB