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Bristol Uncategorised

Wills care package to include quail eggs, foie gras and vintage 1787 Château Lafite

Freshers self-isolating in Wills were relieved their care package of foie gras, caviar and oysters contained ‘all the basics students needed to survive the pandemic’. Other items included were saffron, a small chalet in Verbier and an unjustified feeling of superiority.

The Whip went to investigate this extravagance and unfortunately was able to get hold of Will’s fresher Hugo Granger, who’d been isolating since last Wednesday:

“Ah yah, well just because we’re in self-isolation doesn’t mean we should have to starve!” guffawed Hugo.

“To be honest when the care package first arrived I didn’t really know what to do with all these raw ingredients.  At home I only ever eat ready meals – meals made ready for me by the chef – so it took some time to work out what to do with all the ingredients. More often than not, I’ll send for a city centre fresher who’ll cook the food for me.

“It’s disappointing the university didn’t think to include private staff in the care package but during a pandemic everyone has to make sacrifices.”

Meanwhile Tilly, an entirely unique person reading Art History, had slightly stronger thoughts about the contents of the care package- “more like ‘unfair package!’. It seems like no care went into making it at all. The Cabernet Sauvignon hasn’t been aged for long enough, and don’t get me started on the Gruyere.”

Though stoic individuals like Tilly are disappointed at the contents of the package, they’re still faring better than Baddock freshers, whose packages included ket, rollies and tinnies. Well, needs must I guess.

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Bristol Uncategorised

Churchill crystal girl realigns her chakraahs

With the credibility of modern medicine flung out carelessly the window like a cigarette butt, Gen Z are increasingly turning towards ancient forms of healing to navigate today’s tumultuous age of ambiguity.

The Whip gets an exclusive lowdown with first-year Katie Wiltshire, about to realign her chakras straight from her halls of residence. Wiltshire is swaddled in a chiffon tunic when we meet her, and glides around her room in a mystical, yet extremely annoying Bohemian-esque way. The potent smoke of incense sits heavy in the air, adding a thrilling risk of asphyxiation to this journalistic excursion.

Wiltshire commenced her procurement of crystals following a particularly traumatic break up on her gap year. “Fergus broke my heart,” she wailed, her veil of metaphysical togetherness wobbling somewhat. “I only got with two of his lifelong best mates in front of him at the Full Moon Party. Ugh men are trash.” She fiddles with the beads in her singular blonde dreadlock.

Luckily after the ordeal, Wiltshire befriended a self-proclaimed Australian shaman in a Tokyo sake bar, who helped her find solace through rose quartz.

“Yah, I’ve totally been enlightened. That’s the problem with the modern world – bad vibes everywhere, ya know?” she pauses momentarily, distracted by a TikTok notification. “Anyway, boyfriends are like ket really, seems like a fun idea ‘coz everyone’s doing it but stick with it for too long and you’re stuck in a quadriplegic dimension where you’re like a mule in a donkey’s world.” We had no idea what this meant.

“Practising Buddhism has done bits for my mental health. Guess what my mates and I call ourselves? The holistic whores.” She laughed vociferously for five minutes. “And like, truly, I never even think about Fergus anymore.” Wiltshire concluded, convincing nobody.

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Bristol UK Uncategorised

Boris Johnson clarifies that face coverings are mandatory in public as long as you’re not Muslim

In a recent statement to Parliament Boris Johnson has announced that “every person has a patriotic duty to cover their face in public, uhh, unless they happen to be Muslim and female”.

“Bank robbers… shit, I mean Muslim women must not cover their faces in case the non-Muslim, face-covering public think they’re acting suspiciously.”

This bizarre announcement attracted a large amount of criticism from the Islamic community as well as those awake at the time, labeling the PM as ‘bigoted’, ‘prejudiced’ and ‘a tosser’.

Later that day, Boris Johnson clarified the new rules at a press conference. In an alarmingly staccato rhythm Johnson declared: “we must all do our best to remain positive during these testing times, whilst also making sure we do not test positive for Covid-19. Haha”

This was met with silence.

“It is essential that whilst people are gathering in groups of 6, 30 and 15 in both indoor and outdoor spaces, all people in shops must wear face masks at all times. However, whilst everyone, including Muslim women, must wear face masks, Muslim women must not hide their faces under any circumstances, in case ordinary, I mean other members of the public get confused. It is vital to appease white Christians at a time like this. Is that clear?”

Johnson’s sentiment echoes earlier clarifications this month from Home Secretary Priti Patel, reinstating that social distancing is mandatory as long as you’re not an asylum seeker, in which case you will be processed in an inescapably cramped detention center in Central London.

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Bristol UK Uncategorised

Surfers Flock to Cornwall in Anticipation of Second Wave

Given the recent tightening of restrictions, Cornwall locals were surprised to see hordes of bedraggled looking creatures springing from Penzance station and gallivanting towards their beaches. Upon further investigation, it was revealed that this teeming mass of blonde dreadlocks and board shorts was in fact a collection of Bristol University surfers, excited at the chance to take advantage of an upcoming second wave.

The Whip interviewed Bristol surf captain, Fiona Hank-Tenn, to see what she made of this exciting opportunity:

“’Rona, never head of her man!” scoffed Tenn. “But let me be real for a sec – I confess that the bros and I really didn’t ride that first wave as hard as we should have, but we’re not making that mistake twice! Maximum shreddage shall occur when this second wave hits, you’d best believe.”

Fellow surge enthusiast Cower Bunga added: “Man we’re totally stoked that all the government science dudes are talking about how this wave is gonna be even bigger and faster than last time; I’ve got a feeling this is going to be my most outrageous, gnarly wave yet!.”

Gradually perplexed by the empty beaches and distinctly flat waters, the surfers eventually retired to form a drum circle in aid of ‘spreading good vibes’ and ‘creating a better energy for the waves’. In the meantime, we couldn’t help but wonder whether with all this talk of waves, something had perhaps been lost in translation to these individuals?

The Whip interviewed the government’s chief science adviser Dr Chris Whitty to get his perspective on how surfing conditions might be affected by an upcoming Covid breakout…

“what? These are clearly two different waves- why on earth would COVID-19 make for better surfing cond- you know what, this is a clearly a wind up, I’m out of here…last time I let Matt Hancock arrange any more bloody interviews for me…”

Despite this disappointing lack of clarity in government advice, The Whip holds out hope for the surfing community in these trying times.

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Bristol UK Uncategorised

“Everything reminds me of him” sobs man gagging on Covid swab

As a certain cheeky little virus ravages the planet, the feckless masses have been forced to seek refuge in their own homes. Lucky for those smug fuckers who are coupled up, but for the rest of us solitary saddos it’s been a little bit shit. Isolation has left many of us touch-starved and hungry, ravenous even, for but a singular brush of the skin. Trapped in an actionless box, we are mere sharks in the SWX R&B room that is life: empty, dejected, a smidgen horny, but ultimately alone. 

Fortunately, due to current technological advances, many of these carnal cravings can be digitally gratified. Take virtual mutual masturbation, for example. It’s not as hard.. sorry, difficult as you might think! All you need is a half-decent wifi connection, a helping hand and a spunky, can-do attitude. The same can be said for getting a mate to read you wattpad fanfiction over the phone: it’s a piece of piss once you get over the bestial undertones! Some frisky fellas are rejecting modernity and embracing tradition, however, using more analogue means to get their rocks off. The Whip spoke to second year, Eton Cox, who did just that at a recent Covid screening.

‘Well it was just the classic Covid test really’ he says sheepishly. ‘I had revised hard; bought the CGP guide and all. But, somehow, I must have missed the section on gag reflexes.”

“It was only when the doctor’s hand was halfway down my gullet that I’d realised what I’d gotten myself into” A good time, that’s what. “But for some reason, as I gagged on the scrubbed-up finger, tickling my tonsils, I couldn’t help but think of my ex. Everything reminds me of him!” He sobs. “But at least now I know how to simulate that stimulation.”

As of this article’s publication, Mr. Cox has been finding new and innovative ways to excite his esophagus, so please, we implore you, lock away your cotton buds when he’s around.

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Bristol UK Uncategorised

Bongs, blood-stained battle axes, and 5 other background items guaranteed to assert dominance in Zoom seminars

As the zoom ringtone sounds for your first seminar of the week, you cast a cursory glance down at yourself. It’s fine, at least your top half is covered, albeit by a curry stained fresher’s week t-shirt; who’s going to care or even notice if you couldn’t be arsed putting on trousers this morning? Not you!

But suddenly, as the call begins, you can’t help but cower in awe as you observe the other screens…

Tom with his Sellotape-ridden bong proudly astride his desk, Iona’s Tomahawk glistening in the background. Your palms begin to sweat, and your internal monologue screams “this is SUCH big dick energy, how can I become you??”

Now The Whip is proud to release Bristol University’s official list of background items guaranteed to assert your dominance throughout a zoom seminar:

  1. Used Pizza Box

A laid-back item for a laid-back vibe, this fun little number just screams “I haven’t cleaned my room since moving in”. For added allure, leave your grease-saturated Domino’s box in a dark room for at least two weeks before display, to allow for enough colourful mould to develop.

  1. Pyramid of Lynx Africa cans

Truly a throwback to the good old days, when times were simpler, and popularity was won by the strategic application of this incomparably sultry scent and its problematic existence. An audible spray of this stuff will show your seminar who’s REALLY top of the pile, if ya catch my drift…

  1. Dead Plant

Timeless, relatable, slightly depressing; the dead plant says it all! If you don’t have the energy to tell people how downtrodden or sullen you feel, the dead plant relays this message to the world without you having to so much as bat an eyelid, result!

  1. Impaled head of your sworn enemy

Huzzah, after decades of conflict, victory is yours to display to all the realm! This tried and tested tactic will not only deter the military advances of any neighbouring medieval powers, but will hopefully scare that pretentious prick in plaid into finally shutting up.

  1. National Trust Membership Card

Goodness me, how did this get here? I thought I’d left that at home…. how embarrassing…

 

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Coronavirus mutates into average night out

The World Health Organisation have today announced a startling new development in the coronavirus crisis, confirming the feared coronavirus has mutated.

The disease, caused by the bacterium crappus mexicanus, is no longer thought to simply provide mediocre conversation and the shallow illusion of being Mexican – reports from China suggest the disease has the potential to lead to an average night out.

The virus is thought to make sufferers act erratically, such as trying to get into Mbargos in a last-ditch attempt to salvage a night out, and one eyewitness in the central Chinese city of Huanggang reported hearing victims murmur, “Should we just go to Brass Pig then?”

The mutation of coronavirus has led to a host of other medical problems – a spokesperson for the WHO confirmed today that the disease’s mutation risks patients falling prey to a host of other problems, such as the urge to get food on the way home, a phenomenon named ‘chipsanddoneritis’.

With the disease struggling to be kept under control, it is only a matter of time before it reaches crisis point.

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Molly Rampton

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Bristol parents set up ‘distrust fund’ after not being paid back for son’s summer exploits

Trust funds are an age-old means of hoarding wealth for future generations, however, breaking with tradition, the parents of one Churchill Hall student, Thomas Wise, have decided to set up a ‘distrust’ fund, after their irresponsible and unreliable son failed to pay them back for his extravagant summer holiday.

Mr and Mrs Wise explained that the despite the fact that they do ‘really, really’ trust their son, they thought a distrust fund would be a sufficient precautionary measure to ensure they got their money back.

Quick to defend himself, Thomas told The Whip, “I’ll pay them back. I said I’d pay them back so I will definitely pay them back. I just can’t seem to get a steady flow of income at the moment. It’s important to prioritise things, and I don’t think I should be penalised just because I won’t work and spend all of my student loan on drugs and Motion tickets.”

Thomas’s flatmates were quick to chip in: “Tom? Trustworthy? No way. He’s the sort of guy who’ll steal your milk without telling you and every single New Year he promises he’s going to start going to the gym, but you can trust that he won’t ever actually go. Get it? Trust! No, but seriously, though, his spending habits are a burden on us all.”

Thomas’s despairing parents have said that if the ‘distrust’ fund doesn’t work, they may consider setting up Santander’s new ‘That Bastard Better Pay Us Back Our Money’ bank account. Regardless, it is certainly safe to say that Tom will think twice when spending his parents’ money in future.

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Owens Park now contains ‘dangerous level’ of bus wankers, study says

A report has been released damning the Owens Park campus for its potentially dangerous levels of bus wankers.

The analysis suggested that, while in previous years the level of bus wankery had remained steady at ‘slightly hazardous’, there was a massive increase this year as more students than ever turned to the Magic Bus to get to university.

Dr James Carr-Poole, the author of the paper, spoke to Whip reporters about his research.

“This is an unprecedented level of bus wankery. Before you would drive past the Owens Park bus stop at 8:30am and shout at one, maybe two bus wankers. Now they’re queuing round the corner. It’s phenomenal.

“It’s a horrifying development. It’s off the bus wankery scale. Seriously, I could spend so long shouting and gesticulating at them that I’d cause a road accident.

“Some have hypothesised that the increase is owed to students being more lazy and hungover, but we speculate that the real reason is climate change causing Manchester weather to become more shit than ever before, causing students to ditch their bikes and board the bus.”

The University of Manchester suggests students suck it up and walk if they wish to avoid being a bus wanker.

 

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Bold student braves townie pub

His silver chain was out over the neck of his vintage Burberry polo, a Stone Island badge sellotaped on to the nines.

Daniel Marchand removed his tortoise shell, oval-shaped glasses in favour of contact lenses, and opted for baggy true religion jeans over his usual rotation of corduroy and pinstripes. A shaky pint of John Smith’s out the can to prepare himself for what was to come. He was ready for the trip to the local pub.

Marchand reduced his home-county dialect to an Estuarine level of nothingness, to the point where no particular accent was audible – an amalgamation of London streetwear wannabe and middle of middle England. “One pint of Taddies please barkeep,” he said with fear in his voice, “and keep the change.”

Reporters from The Whip accompanied Marchand on his heroic journey, about which he said, “There’s seriously untapped culture in these places. The locals are full of amazing stories about, I don’t know, construction sites or whatever.

“Other students don’t know what they’re missing out on when they go to their by-students-for-students bars. Here there’s a real sense of anger, pain and world-weariness – which I really relate to,” he said before visibly recoiling when a man asked him if the next chair was free.

The evening climaxed into chaos when Marchand attempted a 3-pint trifecta carrying method from bar to table, only to drop all 1704ml of Holsten lager on his new-but-beaten Nike Air Force 1s.

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‘And this is the gay quarter’ says tour guide pointing to last straight-free corner at OMG

A local Bristol tour guide was spotted gesturing to the last straight-free section of OMG, now dubbed the club’s ‘gay quarter’, last Thursday whilst showing a group of culture hungry tourists around the city.

“Unfortunately, a coordinated invasion by straight, mostly white university students and locals between 2010 and 2018, with their intrinsic desire to ruin absolutely everything for minority groups, has seen the space dedicated to the venue’s initial market decrease by 75%. Like many European cities, OMG now only has a solitary gay quarter” explained the guide for bristolcitytours.com.

Sightseer’s eager to gawk at OMG’s only remaining gay corner comes as no surprise to the LGBT+ community members who frequent the nightlife hotspot, with one commenting “What? More straight people coming to ogle at us facilitating a significantly more wholesome and less aggressive clubbing experience than they could ever dream of creating? Happens every bloody week mate.”

The last decade has indeed seen a rise in students after cheesy tunes and cheap Jäegerbombs flocking to the club every Wednesday. However, certain students are rumoured to like it so much that they have begun infiltrating every other night of the week. With them have come an unfortunate wave of sharks, straight men in search of straight women, to the LGBT+ club.

The Owner of OMG, Katrina Fowell, spoke to The Whip yesterday:

“The presence of straight people in OMG has long been tolerated by the LGBT community. Some of them aren’t so bad once you get to know them. But there’s too many. And they’re all looking for something that just really isn’t ‘OMG’.”

“Some of our regulars were forced to go to SWX last week.” she shuddered “A few others even went to Basement 45. I know. God rest their souls.”